I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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