Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
