I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
