I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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