I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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