3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
