i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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