Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
