Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
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