oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Ladies don't puke and tell
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
