Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
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