i barfeds in our rink
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
