If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
