I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
