Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
