I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
