you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
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