Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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