he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
