Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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