Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
