I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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