just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
