if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
