genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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