Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
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