She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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