We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Randomize
