I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
