A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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