I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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