It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
