I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
