I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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