cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
