She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Randomize
