i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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