I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
