who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
