She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
