I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
