My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
