my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm too high and old for this...
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
