would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I am midnight drunk by noon
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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