i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
