Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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