there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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