Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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