Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
