I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
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